Depressing isn't it

I'm not very good at talking about myself – I find it too self pitying and over indulgent. I’m equally not very good at talking about things that matter. I'm notorious for running away from situations I don't know how to deal with.

I'm 36, I've been called an adult for 18 years but I feel so unworthy of that title. That title I longed for so much when I was 11.

When I'm an adult I'll do what I want.

When I'm an adult no-one will tell me what to do.

When I'm an adult people will treat me with respect.

Ahh, the innocence of youth.

I'm writing this basically because I've realised that I need to heal myself and that healing starts with honesty. Being honest to myself and being honest to all the people around me who care about me.

Depression is an illness. That's a fact. You wouldn't say to someone with cancer "Chin up, at least you've got your friends and family." or "There are so many millions of people worse off than you." or "It could be worse, at least you've got your health" Would you?

Yet those 3 sentences seem perfectly acceptable when said to someone with depression.

Even worse is when you say it to yourself.

“I have no right to be depressed. I have great friends a loving family, I have my health…….”

But I don’t have my health. My health is being eaten away by this thing called depression.

“Maybe if you had cancer you’d have something to be depressed about…”

Aaah yes. More self loathing. I know it well.

I have good days and I have days that are not good. On a not good day the feeling starts as a ball of energy in my gut - it's like getting butterflies but replace the excited energy with terrifying dread. It starts as this ball and escalates throughout every nerve every muscle every cell of my body until I really believe I'm going to explode.  Explode from the guilt, the pain, the suffering, the injustice with everything that the whole sad sorry humankind is inflicting on others. I feel responsible, I feel like I should be able to change things. I must be able to change things.

I don't want to explode in front of people and cause a big dollopy mess, so I hide in my room. Safe within my womb. I touch no-one and no-one touches me.

On good days I go outside and enjoy the flowers and the sun on my skin.

But the depression is always there, lurking in the background. It always makes itself known to me. I'm perfectly aware that I'm having a good day and I make the most of it knowing all too well that tomorrow it might be a completely different story.

If you see me and I am smiling and making jokes then please just enjoy that aspect of me. Don't presume I'm better. That I'm OK. That I was just going through a "phase".

My good day is my phase.

I can pin point where my depression started from but I’m not going to write my life story, it would seem like I was looking to blame people and I’m really not.

No-one is to blame for depression. No-one is responsible.

When you are born you are like a fresh crisp blank piece of paper. For the first part the crayons are in the hands of others. Only later will you take over the pencil case.

If you look (and sometimes you have to dig deep, underneath all the pen lids and pencil shavings) you will find the eraser.  Then you can erase a lot of the things that you don’t like.

Then you can finish the picture off how you want.
The picture will constantly change; getting bits added, bits taken off, more colour here, less colour there, stars, dots, wiggly lines, shiny things.
I am determined to finish the picture how I want.

Life is tough. Living is hard. It honestly amazes me how we're not all depressed. We should get paid to live. Maybe we do in some fantastical magical afterlife, I don’t know.

Sign Petition to Ban Bull Fighting

Actor, producer and writer Ricky Gervais  has partnered with WSPA to call for an end to the cruel practice of bullfighting, promoting WSPA's petition and urging tourists to stop supporting such brutality on their travels.
"Sometimes the worst kind of cruelty is done in the name of entertainment," says Gervais. "It sickens me to know that people still pay money to see an animal tortured to death. Cultural heritage is no excuse for inflicting such pain on a frightened and confused animal."

The Parliament of Catalonia, Spain, was due to vote on a bullfighting ban on June 9th and over 120,000 people joined in calling on MPs to end this bloody cruelty once and for all. But in a desperate bid to buy time for the pro-bullfighting lobby, the Popular Party of Catalonia (PPC) has used a legal loophole to delay the vote.

But despite this stalling, the vote will take place on July 15th. Gervais urges people worldwide to put pressure on the Catalonian Government in Spain by signing WSPA's petition. Please take a moment to sign the petition so your voice can be heard.
"We want them to know that there are people all around the world who care which way they vote, and are hoping to see them put an end to this cruel 'sport'"